What a difference a week makes...

I woke up last Monday feeling rather optimistic for me. I posted a nice long blog entry(it has seen be deleted), had a couple of pictures of things I was able to complete over the weekend. I was looking forward to the weekend and a GTG at my house with the Michigan area stitchers. DH and I had did some talking over the weekend and we were making some plans for St. Patrick's Day and a party we were going to attend and we went over our finances. Our finances were not in the best of shape but we hoped with a bonus Dh was promised we would get back on track. I had applied to a couple of online ads I saw in anticipation of getting a second car from our friends. One even called and wanted me to come in and fill out a real application.

I didn't feel awesome on Monday morning, I was a little sick with a minor virus that I had fought over the weekend. Donovan was kind of cranky that morning and I had a hard time getting him to the bus stop but I just thought it was the Monday morning blah's.

That's when the tide turned. I don't know exactly what planets got out of alignment or what but it went drastically wrong. By the end of the day I felt awful, really sick with a fever, Donovan was home from school with the same thing and DH came home in a *very* grumpy mood.

By Tuesday it had gotten even worse, Dh called at noon to tell me that he would be looking for a new job. When he got home he told me the bonus he was promised was not coming, and the productivity bonuses he was told he would be getting in lieu of a higher hourly wage were not going to be as expected. Without the bonuses he basically took a 12,000 a year pay cut. He also asked if I could move my GTG from our house because he didn't want to be stuck in the basement with the boys all day and he didn't think he could afford to do anything with them like he had planned. I was in complete shock. Granted I knew things were a bit sketchy at his job. I knew he didn't like the idea of the low hourly wage for the hopes of the bonus but when he said he made the best deal he could, I believed him, and I think he believed it at the time

All I can say is I didn't take the news well, nor process it well. Something minor happened in the online world and I lashed out. I cancelled the GTG(which I was going to have to do anyways) and walked away in a huff. I was hurt, and upset, and basically scared spitless at what we were going to do. I was a giant raw nerve with no covering. I don't think I was overly mean, or called anyone any names, just said I thought I needed a break from the online world. Well, I got one. Even with what I thought was a heartfelt apology on Thursday via e-mail, I got nothing really in return. One person wrote back but that was more about a RR I have in my possession. I'm so strapped for cash that I can't afford to mail it back right now and I had hoped someone would offer to pick it up but that didn't happen. I'm going to have to charge the cost of a mailing envelope as well as the postage cost on my one CC that I am current on and that has an available balance. All spare money is currently going to catch up the few things we let slide in hopes of the bonus. I had to drop out of the RR because of the financial concern. I can't afford to the cost of sending them. I felt really pressured to join in in the first place so I don't feel really horrible about dropping out but I do feel bad that there is now a gap in the schedule. I originally asked to have mine mailed back to me but again I couldn't afford that cost either so I told them to do whatever they wanted with it. It sucks that all that new floss is going to waste somewhere as well as the fabric but what can I do? I hate being broke!

We did get the second car from our friends but we won't be able to keep it. We explained to them that we can't afford to insure or drive it with gas prices the way they are and they said if we sold it that was fine, we could keep the money. This will help some, if we get it sold, but how much remains to be seen. No sense filling out the application or applying for any other jobs since I'll have no way to get there.

Even the St. Patrick's Party we were going to got cancelled and Dh ended up going out with a few friends from hockey so I spent the evening alone. On top of that all his worry about him not having anywhere to go on Saturday that made me cancel my GTG was for nothing. His friend came Saturday morning and took DH and the boys skating and for pizza and to an arcade. I spent all of Saturday alone too. My friends could have been here for a little while and I'm sure they would of been fine if the boys were around here and there to but he asked me to cancel so I did. I took a nap instead, which I needed, but still again, not what I had planned.

So what a difference a week makes. Last week I had plans and goals and friends and kind of good out look on the future, it wasn't perfect, but I felt like we could at least manage it. This week I'm just down, way down,. I wake up every day crying, I go to bed upset, I'm not sleeping, or if I do sleep I can't stay asleep. No one is talking to me and with no GTG's to look forward to or people to talk to during the day, I'm not sure how I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my days now(I can't focus long enough right now to stitch, so I've been doing a lot of cleaning). DH said last night that tomorrow is another day, out loud I say yep, and we will muddle through, inside thought, crap another day.

Donovan woke up this morning sick again so he will be home today. He has a fever, not high, only 101, and he says nothing specifically hurts(not his ears or his throat) so I'm hoping this is just a virus/flu and that he will be better in a couple of days. With our money situation I'm not sure how we would pay for a dr's visit or a prescription. On the bright side it give me something to focus on for today instead of all the things that are going wrong.

I just want to go back to bed and have a nice nervous breakdown or something but heck, we can't even afford that right now so I will have to suck it up, put on a smile and try to get through another day....And hope nothing else goes wrong!

So this is it, my last "I feel sorry for myself" kind of post, from now on I'm going to focus on the positive. It felt good to let it out, write down, and now I can just move on, and try to deal with what we do have in front of us. It may not be as I planned but it's more than most and it will have to be enough. I can't change anything that happened last week and if an apology is not enough, I don't have anything else I can offer.