Did I do a 180?

I've been thinking about something that Lori said in the comments about me changing my feelings about hockey and Steph and it's been rumbling around my brain on/off for awhile.

I did change my feelings, was it drastic, or fast? It didn't seem that way to me. I think I realized that no matter how much I pissed, whined and moaned, it didn't change anything. DH was still going to play hockey and he was still going to see Steph. Did he disregard my feelings? Maybe a little but you know he does have a right to a life away from me and as an adult can make his own decisions.

I just got to a point where I realized I could continue to be disagreeable about both things, I could nag, I could whine, I could be angry but what was that accomplishing? Nothing but leaving me feeling angry, a lot, and DH was being more distant. I had to find a way to get comfortable with it and I did.

There are a lot worse things he could be doing and at least Hockey is good for his health, and good for the stress level. I know the people he is playing with(mostly) and most of them are in in it for the game, to have fun, burn off some energy, go home. They aren't a party crowd, most are married, or with someone and except for a couple of beers and free pizza afterwards, that's about it.

There were a few exceptions, a few weeks there where he was gone a lot but once I told him that was too much, he ramped it back. Very rarely did he do a hockey practice and a lodge meeting in the same week, so it really only meant he was gone 3X a week, and a majority of that time was after the kids were already tucked in bed so honestly it wasn't taking away a lot of family time. Most evenings I'm upstairs watching TV, he's on the computer, so we weren't' losing a lot of us time either. And honestly some nights when he was off at hockey, it was great to be able to lay in the middle of the bed, watch a movie, stitch as much as I wanted to and the silence was nice(I think this will be even more important this summer, when the boys are on break)

Since the night he fell asleep in the car he calls in. I didn't demand this but it has helped me feel less worried about where he is and what he is up to. He calls when the games/clinic is over and then calls again when he is on the way home. Now I wake up after that call, wait for him to get home and we spend a little time together before falling back asleep. It's been fun seeing him all excited and pumped up from the game.

And weird thing happened, as I got more open to it, the more he included me and I didn't feel so much like an outsider or that he was doing something other than spending time away from *me*. When I stopped being so angry about it, I got to be excited with him. The team standings are still on the fridge, right next to the kids report cards, and he is really proud....As am I.

I guess the same can be said about Steph. I look back at worrying about her and I just have to laugh at myself. They are so *not* a couple, it's not even funny. And after being around her I can see why he likes her. She's fun, she's open, she's kind, and a good person. Even though they had worked together a long time I had only had maybe a dozen conversations with her. I guess I should of insisted long ago at spending more time with her, and I could have easily put these fears to rest. She is also so awesome with the boys and they are really looking forward to her coming to stay this summer.

I also have to take into account the time DH is getting to spend with his brother. I forget sometimes since I have such a troubled relationship with my sister that there are people out there that actually like their siblings. DH's brother was in the military for over 20 years, all of that time at least an hour from home. Dh didn't get to see him as much as he liked and now for them to have the chance to be together and hang out has been so good for DH.

Plus if you saw the look of pure joy, excitement and happiness on a face of someone you love so dearly, it's hard to find fault in that, and that is look I saw on Dh's face when they tied their first game, or when they got to second place. It's not a look I was seeing very often and one I like seeing a lot more of.

About 3 years ago, when D was in Kindergarten, I complained one day on a BB about how he came home smelling like his teachers perfume. I was all upset that she had worn so much that D came home reeking of it(I think I said he smelled like a whorehouse). I thought I was justified in my thinking and my complaining. Someone told me to be thankful that someone cared enough about my child to hug him, because that's what she had done, hugged him when he was sad, and that I should focus on that. It was such a simple statement but it really changed the way I thought and not just for that situation. When something comes up now, and I get my hackles up, I try to flip it, think to myself, is there another way to look at this. Sometimes I can do that pretty quickly, sometimes it takes a little longer. I like to think that is what I've done here, just turned things slightly, and looked at it differently. For me, this time it seemed like a while for me to be Ok with it, to others I guess it seemed fast. I don't consider Steph a best friend or anything but she has been around a lot more with the weekly BBQ's and moving stuff in, and I'm adjusting to that.

I didn't mind that people were concerned, or that they said so. It's just it seemed to me to go beyond that. It seemed that when I didn't agree, I got the complete cold shoulder that left me feeling hurt. It wasn't just conversations about Hockey and Steph that went ignored, but basically anything I said. I felt like I was only talking to 2-3 people and when I asked for advice, a straight forward, hey how does this look? And got nothing but crickets chirping, I got the hint. I'm sad about that, these were people I really liked, trusted, and most importantly thought understood me. To realize that they didn't feel the same was hard, is hard, and I'm not sure how to fix that. It bugs the heck out of me that tomorrow they will all be off having fun, and even though my day is now free, I wouldn't be welcome to join them.

One more thing....I hate going to the grocery store by myself, even if I can. I do all the food stuff in my house. I make the list, clip the coupons, gather the bottles, do all the prep, serving, packing lunches etc.. I don't think it's too much to ask the rest of my family to take 1 hour(or so) out of their time to help me shop for it and put it away. The boys love to go and we use it as a learning tool in math and all sorts of other things. If I had to do it all by myself, I would be very upset. That's not to say I don't occasionally but like I said, if I'm going to do all the other stuff, they can help at least help with the shopping.

Now I need a good recipe for some kind of Asian side dish or salad for next Wednesday. We are going to grill steak and chicken marinated in a teriyaki sauce and I need idea's of what to serve with it!