Feeling introspective today!

I don't know what it is today but I find myself feeling very introspective today and in turn feeling a bit lonely.

I was watching GMA this morning and they did a story with a guy and he was giving "red flags" to look for when dating and how to spot a "bad boy". #1 red flag was lack of long term friendships. He said this is a sign that when people really get to know someone, they turn the other way, and should be a big sign that there is something wrong with that person. That got me to thinking of me. I have been in a long term marriage/relationship with my husband and I think I'm very successful at that. I'm happy with him and he in turn seems happy with me. I've managed a pretty good relationship with my in-laws, mostly, minus a few hiccups, and of course their are my kids, but as for that, well, I can't think of any. I don't know why, I mean I can guess, I had a pretty complicated childhood. My 3 most important relationships with women, my mom, my sister and my grandmother, all who were responsible at least part of the time, in raising me, were not good relationships. My mom and sister both suffer from a mental illness and my grandmother for many years was a raging, nasty, vicious, alcoholic(it's suspected that she had the same mental illness but was self medicating for many years with alcohol). I just never learned to relate to women. It continued into teenage years and I had mostly guy friends, and very few, if any girlfriends, and most of those were short in duration. I guess I just don't get women, most are snarky, talk behind your back, are often jealous, not at all supportive, and even if on the surface they seem like they are fine, they often don't.

I really tried to reach out to women after I had kids. I thought I had a lot more in common with them now that I had had children. I found that those relationships were often just like high school, just instead of competitive for guys or grades, it was over whose kids are smarter/better. At times I've thought I found friends that I could relate to, but it seems that I'm just as unsuccessful there too.

I'm also not really sure how to change this pattern and I find it disturbing. I feel like a good person, an Ok friend. I try to be supportive, and caring, and not judgmental and I honestly am not sure what I did wrong. I'm trying to take the time to examine it and see what I can take from it but honestly except for not wanting to have to justify my life and my decisions and not wanting to feel like I'm an idiot, I'm not sure what I could have done differently this time. I didn't want to get hurt anymore and I was frankly sick of talking to myself. It felt really obvious to me that I wasn't wanted around, or at least if the conversation included any discussions of Steph or hockey, so I'm not sure what I could have done differently. It's obviously something in me and I need to figure it out. I also hate saying it's my "childhood" because that it such a co-of and I am an adult. On the other hand I do often feel and have felt in the past that I lack certain social skills. For a long time I had no clue what normal was and have often used the outside world as a barometer of that. I've gotten better over time but I do know that sometimes I value other peoples opinions more than my own.

Anyway it made me really thankful I have boys!! I can't imagine navigating a mother/daughter relationship. I miss the idea of barbies, ballet, pigtails and make up but I think I would be horrible at it so I'm thankful for my boys.

It's also weird that without the BB's how out of touch with the world as a whole that I feel. I've started reading our local papers website but still I feel out of touch. I've been reading blogs, which help, but it's not the same....Still I think I need a break from them and that part has been good.

Last night was our weekly BBQ with Steph. This week she brought Kabob's and I did a Greek pasta salad, deviled eggs, green beans and more pound cake w/strawberries for dessert. Next week I think we are going to go back to just plain hamburgers/hot dogs. One thing I learned, grilled green beans are YUMMY!!!

Hockey is almost over. They won their last regular game of the season last Saturday, 5-0, but lost the first playoff game the next night. They have a playoff game on Saturday, if they win, they play some more, if they lose they are out. Still the won and/or tied their last 6 games and they think next season they will be bumped up another league. DH was very excited about that! But after that is the summer season so to say it's almost over isn't really true.

D got my cold, which while it's short, is nasty and he spent Tuesday home from school. He spent most of the morning still in bed so he was really sick. We are in the home stretch as far as school goes though and he is so looking forward to the summer(unlike G who has cried every day that he is going to miss school, his speech teacher and his friends). Just the rest of this week, and one and half days next week and we are done.

I've started to make plans with Mary for us to come over and swim this summer but it won't be as much as last summer. Since her retirement is based on her last 5 years of working she is doing what she can to teach a little more so this summer she will be teaching summer school. It's only 1/2 days and she will be home by noon. I also think being alone is still hard, especially when you have the *whole* day free, so I think this will be good for her. We will be going over on Thursday(minus rain) around 1pm and will swim until dinner. There will also be a little break while she goes to Alaska with her sister and a week when she visits her son in New Mexico. I'm still really grateful for last summer though. She took what could have been a very stressful time and gave us all something to look forward to and the free meals didn't hurt either!

I haven't been stitching much, mainly because I'm sick of FG and am fighting the urge to start my new project. I'm so close to being done, just her face, arms, hair and beads. I also really need to sit down and figure out if the beads I bought will work. I just can't find the energy to do that. I also need to pick a June ornament but nothing is screaming for me to stitch it and I went through them yesterday. The urge will come back I'm sure.

Of course it didn't help that yesterday I took a decogestant for a nasty sinus headache. In a effort to find one that works and is not behind the counter I bought something different. It was a teeny, tiny little white pill that just zonked me out yesterday. I felt funky, like my head wasn't attatched to my body, and even though it was raining yesterday afternoon I didn't dare try to drive G to the bus stop. I had to lay down for a little while in the afternoon. While I slept some, it wasn't restful and I had a hard time shaking the "zoned out" feeling. I won't be taking those again.

They are going to repeat the Ellen show with Jason on it today. I missed it the first time around so I'm looking forward to catching it today. He is doing "Geek in Pink" and I put a note by the TV to remind me to watch. She comes on at 4pm in my neck of the woods!