So I'm back....I think!!!
I had someone recently ask about my blog and it got me thinking. I do an awful lot of journaling now and I find pen/paper a really effective way to work things out. On the other hand, I miss my blog. I pondered for awhile deleting my old one and starting over(too many not so great memories) but I chose not too. My goal is not to regret the past or shut the door on it but instead learn from it and move on, which I think I am doing quite well.
Much has changed about me, which is good. Much has not changed with X. You think that a divorce changes things but they don't really. You still relate to each other in that old dysfunctional way. It also seems that the stronger I get, the worse it gets with him. He does not like to be told no, and why should he? I didn't tell him that for nearly 20 years. I seem to keep having the same conversations with him about the same things over and over and over. I keep changing and working, either he will too or he won't, his choice. I can't change him, no matter what, and that is something I have to keep remembering.
This summer has been crazy. I would love to have balance in my life but it seems to be either feast or famine for me. Either I have so much to do, that I'm nuts, or I have nothing to do. I either have a house full of people and am struggling to find a second alone to think, or no one is here and it's too quiet. Unfortunately I don't see this situation changing anytime soon.
Mark is in Maryland this week. He has two jobs to try to complete before coming home on Friday. The first job was supposed to be easy but it was not. With his travel time and the time he worked at the customer's shop, he put in a 14 hour day. Today promises to be more of the same. He sounded so stressed and tired last night. The travel is so hard on us all. Things have reached a pretty good point for us. I still at times think that maybe I did rush into this too soon and needed to work more things out for myself. In the end though, he is a wonderful and amazing man(not a selfish boy) and I'm glad that I have given this a chance. I have NEVER in my life been treated so well, felt so loved, supported or respected and in the end that is what truly matters. It does not hurt that he is tall, dark and handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, musical and spiritual. He has opened my heart, mind and soul to soooo much!!!
I am still in my horrible stitching slump. I have not put needle to fabric since at least February, and before that it was practically non-existent. I see all these gorgeous WIP's, Mira is putting out all these Pixie's that are so beautiful, but I can't seem to get needle in my hand. It's not just a time thing because I can find the time but I don't know, I just haven't been able to. I took some stuff out over the weekend and looked at it but......I have replaced it with reading. I found an awesome trade in bookstore not to long ago and I go there at least once a month and load up.
The kids are doing Ok, for the most part. Gaelan is pretty easy going, which is in his nature. Donovan on the other hand has been all over the place. First he is angry with me, then his dad, then us both and it's a constant balancing act with him. I know he is angry that his whole life has been upset and he feels out of control, on the other hand, he can't have everything his way. It's my fault too. I never really disciplined him before, I left that up to X to do because he had a better way of handling it. Donovan never learned to respect me in that way so I'm playing catch up. It's not helpful that the message he is getting from his dad, both verbally and in his actions, is that I don't deserve to be respected.
I am having a few twinges of something this morning and struggling a little with it. Not sure what to call it....X and I have exchanged a few e-mails recently about the kids which almost always puts me in a bad mood. It is still a little jab to me when 1. he signs it as Will, like he is a whole new person now and 2. that it is signed from BOTH of them. This bugs me on a couple of levels. She is not a part of this, this is between X and I and she does not get a say in what happens. It also still stings just a little that I was shuffled out and her shuffled in. Does she not see how wrong that is? It's like my role was re-casted, one day his wife is me, the next it's her, with no lag time in between. How does the rest of the world feel about that, his family, their friends? She walked away from a 7 year relationship to be with X too and it seems so seamless, like the neither of us mattered to either of them. Does no one question that? It shouldn't matter and it does matter less and less. According to my counselor though, the fact he did that has way more to do with him than me, and I almost believe her at this point. She also says it's still pretty normal to have some small twinges from time to time about it. She thinks that I am doing well and am on the right track. In the end, there are a few things that I am just going to have to accept and do even though I know it's not right or fair and that is really unacceptable to have to but for the kids I will once AGAIN take the high road. It sucks though!!! I am going to try really hard to let it go today instead of spending all my energy on the thoughts of it since I can't change it and I want peace over being right....I would love to have both but the world doesn't always work that way!
I am counting down the days to my JASON CONCERT on 8/14. Yes, folks I still have mad, crazy love for him and I have converted Mark too!! He will often play some Jason songs for me on his guitar
I've also branched out musically and discovered that I love Lifehouse, that I got from Mark. The first song he played/sang for me was "You and Me". I did not realize how many of their songs I had heard on the radio and liked. I was further excited when I discovered that some of their music is written by Jude Cole and that they record on the record label he started. I loved Jude Cole back in the day!!!! Mark has also opened me up to some Christian music and I love a song by a guy named Brandon Heath called "I'm not who I was". That is not a christian song per se but it was like everything I would like to say if I could write. I am also a pretty big fan of the country band Lady Antebellum. I wanted to see them live but they are opening for Kenny Chesney and that is a ticket I just can't afford at the moment. I hope they tour on their own soon.
I think that's it for now. I can't promise that I will be able to write every day but who knows. Still it was kind of nice to check in here again.