Expectations=Resentments

I've been in my support group now almost two years now(wow). It's based on the 12 steps of AA but instead of being powerless over alcohol, you are powerless over your emotions. There was/is a lot of good messages on how to live, have peace of mind and serenity no matter what is happening around you. Add in my ACIM class and the two sets of values have literally transformed my life.

The first most important thing I learned at my group was the concept of letting go and turning things over to God. To learn what I can control and fix and change, and do that, but if it's out of my control then I have to "let go and let God". This one I still go back and forth on. I turn a lot more over to God but not as much as I should and I often give it to God, but then snatch it back so to speak and try to solve it myself.

The second thing I learned was that I have no control over the actions of other people. This was HUGE. I always thought that if I was just somehowa better of a person, then I could get people to do what I wanted them too. This caused all sorts of problems in my life, from childhood even, and left me with no sense of self or self esteem. It's a concept that I have grasped pretty well. It's actually a relief to only be responsible for myself instead of the entire universe. Having a concept of where I end and others begin was something I should have learned a long time ago!

The last thing I learned was about "making plans without planning outcomes". Anytime you have an expectation on how something is going to go, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment and then a resentment. For example, it's good to plan to say go out to lunch with a friend but if you then think about how great the food is and how much time you are going to spend with your friend and on and on and on, you are guaranteed to be disappointed because what if the food is bad or your friend has to cut lunch short, what then? First you don't leave yourself open to see the spontaneous cool things that happen in life and second, if things don't go as expected you feel bad. This a a very hard concept for me. I'm a planner, a thinker, an arranger(shocking I know), it's just who I am, and while I think I have gotten better not being like that, it still creeps in. Today was the perfect example. I was so invested in Mark coming home and being with him tonight that I set myself up for anger and disappointment when it didn't go as I had planned.

Earlier this week, one of the bad nights with Donovan, I just so needed to talk to Mark. Instead when he called, Mark was exhausted and just wanted to veg in front of the TV. The higher minded part of me understood but I will admit, I was hurt. I didn't want to go into what happened with Donovan, just wanted to chat and when he said he didn't want to, I was hurt.

I talked to him last night. It was a good conversation and I was so looking forward to tonight. Friday nights are "our nights" and this is the first Friday since Brandon went home and I wanted it to be really nice. I had planned to skip most of my meeting tonight, was just going to go and drop off some keys with someone, and then come back home and Mark was supposed to be here. We made the plans together last night on the phone. I went last night, spent a whole $8 and bought a new shirt, I painted my toenails to match it, spent at least 90 minutes getting ready spending extra time on my hair and make up so I could look nice for him.

He called as soon as his plane landed to tell me he wanted to go out with a friend. I was crushed. I had not realized how much I was depending on seeing him but I couldn't tell him that. Instead I said fine, no biggie, but he said he would call about 10, let me know where they are and I could meet them, which was an OK alternative. It was not ideal but I could cope. Mark did call, but it wasn't until nearly 11. I did not get to my cell fast enough and missed his call. He left a message, told me he would be late, he would wake me when he got home, but didn't tell me where he was. I immediately called back but it's just going to voicemail. I again was really hurt. Here I was "all dressed up and no where to go". I tried a few more times, he still isn't answering.

This is my fault. Yeah, he has a part too, but my fault, my fault for once again making plans around someone else and "planning an outcome" which I had no control of. Not only was I going to skip group, but I was going to skip going out to dinner with them afterwards to say goodbye to our friend who is moving. I'm grateful that I was able to do that but still the next chance we have to have any serious alone time is Sunday after 7pm and after that, who knows. He will be local on Monday and Tuesday but I have plans both those nights, I don't think he is aware of that, so Friday and Sunday nights are our only time to be alone because I have plans every night next week, since he is normally gone.

The worse part, I really dislike the friend he is going out with and the last time he went out with the guy, he was gone way longer than he said he was going to be and I could not reach him on his cell that night either. Mark is in no way like X, but this part, feels way too familiar.

On the bright side, I got invited out for coffee from a guy who was maybe 25. OK, so he was there at the church at an NA meeting but still, he was young, cute, and obviously has very good taste in women. I'll get to wear wear my new shirt again next Friday night for the Jason concert.

And it was Mark's loss that he didn't get to see how amazing I looked tonight.