Feeling a bit more optimistic!

Spending the day with friends did a lot to improve my mood. I've gotten a lot of good things from my experience with the internet, the Michigan Area Stitchers being the best of it. They are such amazing(over used word I know lately but it's all I can think of) women and so wonderfully supportive. They gave me a shoulder to cry on, a hug, some chocolate and lots of good things to laugh at. The railed right along with me and assured me that Billy's ex-company will surely go out of business without him or at the very least regret their decision...And soon!! All things I wanted/needed to hear. Misty also plied my kids with much treats and lots of room and other kids to play with. Both are dead tired and fell asleep in the car.

Dh also got what he needed today in his family. He admitted he should of spent the afternoon putting out some feelers but he figured what the heck, he was still getting paid for today so he spent the afternoon at his brother's house doing pretty much what I was only replace the chocolate with beer and it sums up his day. He's not falling down drunk(and I don't think in all the time I've known him he's ever been that way) but his brother was kind enough to drive him home.

Now we are just left with what to tell the kids. Donovan had a bit of a melt down when we got home. He said that something was wrong. I know he was tired but he's also not a dumb kid and can sense the tension in the house. My tears this morning didn't help. Billy and I are torn whether we should tell him the truth or wait and see what happens. Last year when the old company went out of business Billy was pretty much re-employed right away so we told the kids he was on "vacation". Today he just said they let him have some time off since he had been working so hard.

I didn't have much of a childhood. My mom told me pretty much everything all of the time. I knew our financial situation pretty early on and really fretted over it, A LOT!! My goal a lot of the time as a parent has been to do better by my kids. I mean I loved my mom but mom of the year she wasn't and I want my kids to have carefree times and happy childhood memories.

Both Billy and I gave him the speech that everything was fine. I was just a little sad today and that he shouldn't worry. We would all be here in the morning, the house would be here, he's have his toys and clothes and food and we would take care of him. I sure hope it was enough.

I know the stress earlier this year really got to him and it showed in his behavior. I sure hope it's not like that again and whatever Billy finds that it makes him a lot happier than this job did.

I'm also worried about the state of our marriage. I mean it got bad, I mean bad, bad. To the point I wondered if we may eventually divorce. It really scares me that we might get to that point again.

I also told Billy today that I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to deal with all this again. He was blunt. I havet two choices: Stay here and ride it out or leave. Leave him, leave the kids, and go. When he put that way it was pretty obvious what the choice was.

I also told him when he is back to work we must make it a priority to get me back to school. I've been doing some research. My ultimate goal/dream is to become a massage therapist. That takes about a year and about 8K to accomplish. Not bad in the grand scheme of things but out of reach for awhile. Instead now I'm thinking of going back to school to learn how to draw blood. There is a school nearby that has night classes and it takes around 8wks. I'm not sure of the cost but it's got to be less than 8k. Do I think I could support our family on this income? No but I sure could improve our lot, that's for sure. I also hate, hate, hate this feeling of helpless that I have. I feel like I"m always just "reacting" to what life throws out me. For a long time I was able to just concentrate on the life I was building for my kids but I can't do it anymore. I have to be a more active participant in our lives. I could go get a crappy minimum wage job(which I will do if I have to) but if with a little schooling, a little skill, I could do something more around my schedule and make the same if not more money I think that is a better way to go.

All in all today sure wasn't at all what I was expecting when I went to bed last night. It's funny how life is like that huh?

But I do have something to look forward to, Dancing with the Stars is on tonight which is my new favorite show and I get to wake up next to the man I love and see my kids shining faces. What more could I ask for, really?