Expectations=Resentments

I've been in my support group now almost two years now(wow). It's based on the 12 steps of AA but instead of being powerless over alcohol, you are powerless over your emotions. There was/is a lot of good messages on how to live, have peace of mind and serenity no matter what is happening around you. Add in my ACIM class and the two sets of values have literally transformed my life.

The first most important thing I learned at my group was the concept of letting go and turning things over to God. To learn what I can control and fix and change, and do that, but if it's out of my control then I have to "let go and let God". This one I still go back and forth on. I turn a lot more over to God but not as much as I should and I often give it to God, but then snatch it back so to speak and try to solve it myself.

The second thing I learned was that I have no control over the actions of other people. This was HUGE. I always thought that if I was just somehowa better of a person, then I could get people to do what I wanted them too. This caused all sorts of problems in my life, from childhood even, and left me with no sense of self or self esteem. It's a concept that I have grasped pretty well. It's actually a relief to only be responsible for myself instead of the entire universe. Having a concept of where I end and others begin was something I should have learned a long time ago!

The last thing I learned was about "making plans without planning outcomes". Anytime you have an expectation on how something is going to go, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment and then a resentment. For example, it's good to plan to say go out to lunch with a friend but if you then think about how great the food is and how much time you are going to spend with your friend and on and on and on, you are guaranteed to be disappointed because what if the food is bad or your friend has to cut lunch short, what then? First you don't leave yourself open to see the spontaneous cool things that happen in life and second, if things don't go as expected you feel bad. This a a very hard concept for me. I'm a planner, a thinker, an arranger(shocking I know), it's just who I am, and while I think I have gotten better not being like that, it still creeps in. Today was the perfect example. I was so invested in Mark coming home and being with him tonight that I set myself up for anger and disappointment when it didn't go as I had planned.

Earlier this week, one of the bad nights with Donovan, I just so needed to talk to Mark. Instead when he called, Mark was exhausted and just wanted to veg in front of the TV. The higher minded part of me understood but I will admit, I was hurt. I didn't want to go into what happened with Donovan, just wanted to chat and when he said he didn't want to, I was hurt.

I talked to him last night. It was a good conversation and I was so looking forward to tonight. Friday nights are "our nights" and this is the first Friday since Brandon went home and I wanted it to be really nice. I had planned to skip most of my meeting tonight, was just going to go and drop off some keys with someone, and then come back home and Mark was supposed to be here. We made the plans together last night on the phone. I went last night, spent a whole $8 and bought a new shirt, I painted my toenails to match it, spent at least 90 minutes getting ready spending extra time on my hair and make up so I could look nice for him.

He called as soon as his plane landed to tell me he wanted to go out with a friend. I was crushed. I had not realized how much I was depending on seeing him but I couldn't tell him that. Instead I said fine, no biggie, but he said he would call about 10, let me know where they are and I could meet them, which was an OK alternative. It was not ideal but I could cope. Mark did call, but it wasn't until nearly 11. I did not get to my cell fast enough and missed his call. He left a message, told me he would be late, he would wake me when he got home, but didn't tell me where he was. I immediately called back but it's just going to voicemail. I again was really hurt. Here I was "all dressed up and no where to go". I tried a few more times, he still isn't answering.

This is my fault. Yeah, he has a part too, but my fault, my fault for once again making plans around someone else and "planning an outcome" which I had no control of. Not only was I going to skip group, but I was going to skip going out to dinner with them afterwards to say goodbye to our friend who is moving. I'm grateful that I was able to do that but still the next chance we have to have any serious alone time is Sunday after 7pm and after that, who knows. He will be local on Monday and Tuesday but I have plans both those nights, I don't think he is aware of that, so Friday and Sunday nights are our only time to be alone because I have plans every night next week, since he is normally gone.

The worse part, I really dislike the friend he is going out with and the last time he went out with the guy, he was gone way longer than he said he was going to be and I could not reach him on his cell that night either. Mark is in no way like X, but this part, feels way too familiar.

On the bright side, I got invited out for coffee from a guy who was maybe 25. OK, so he was there at the church at an NA meeting but still, he was young, cute, and obviously has very good taste in women. I'll get to wear wear my new shirt again next Friday night for the Jason concert.

And it was Mark's loss that he didn't get to see how amazing I looked tonight.

I was supposed to sleep until Noon!!

The last few days have been awful. OK, not completely awful but hard. Donovan has hard a rough time which means reaching out to X. I keep hoping at some point that we can interact differently. I often point fingers are him and all the things he is not doing, and there are lot, but I need to point the finger at myself. I am still hurt, angry and bitter, not all the time, but it does creep in and I have to continue to strive to put that aside. On the other hand, at least I am working on changing that.

Thursday's are really long days for me. I have to be up early to get the boys to their Grandmothers(or school once September rolls around) and to get me to school. School is long that day as well as more physically demand since most of that day is spent giving a massage or receiving on. From there I have a tiny couple of hour break but then I have to head to my support group so most Thursday I'm not home until well after 10.

Yesterday was a pretty typical Thursday except for the fact that Donovan did not sleep well on Wednesday night so I did not get to sleep until well after 3am and was up again at 7am for the day. I ate badly yesterday, hyped myself up on caffeine and sugar(so bad for you) and was just on the go go go, with the worries of Donovan and worries of X's latest rounds of threats at taking full custody of the boys. Instead of being able to spend the two hours between school and group taking a nap or being alone, I had Gaelan with me, which was awesome. After group I stopped at a friend's(I shouldn't have) and did not walk into the door last night until midnight.

I got essentially nothing done the last 3 days as far as housework and studying go. I was just too focused on Donovan, spent too much time on the phone with X and my "To Do" list seems enormous today!!

I talked to Mark last night, how things were and all the the things I think I have to get done. He then "ordered me"(and that is very tongue in cheek here) to sleep until noon today and to not do any housework except on the things that were NECESSARY for survival or to clothe myself. After I slept I am supposed to spend the afternoon studying and that's it. I tried so hard to follow his request but by the time I fell into bed last night, I could not sleep. I did not sleep until 4am and awake at 8am this morning. I tried to go back to sleep but it was no use. I got up, ate breakfast, set the kitchen timer and spent 1 hour on the house and it's at least somewhat tidy but not as nice I would like it to be. I studied some for my test, and in a little while I will start in on my homework. My plan is to take a nap later this afternoon and then head to my support group. I won't have to stay for the whole thing and by the time I get home Mark will be waiting for me. I LOVE Fridays and I can't wait to see him. The travel sucks but it makes every Friday night so much fun.

My group was good last night. I have found a friend there who is going to talk to me some about energy work that I have been learning in school. She does another form of it, called something different, but I feel at it's core all energy work is the same, just the terminology is a bit different. We are going to get together in a couple of weeks to start working together. I am geeked about this. On the downside one of my friends from the group is moving and last night was the last time I will see him. I'm sad about that. I'm also glad for him.

Even though I was up early this morning, I missed Jason live on the Today show but thanks to the Internet I was able to see him. OMG, he was so good. I love his goatee and I thought he sounded really good both musically and in his short interview. I know "The Remedy" is his big break out hit but it's not my favorite song and I don't like he has to play it all the time but he did a great reggae type version of it. His voice is so clean, so clear and well 7 days until his concert and I can't wait. I tried to see if I could find any pictures from that performance but I think it's too early for them to hit the net but maybe tomorrow.

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Oh, and the morning mediatation at school went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy the poem!!

A poem

I have been doing daily inspirational readings and I have found myself, you guessed it, inspired by a lot of what I read. Most of it comes from my "A course in Miracles" book which is what has transformed my life so much. It is amazing to me each time I read it and it gives me such clarity and peace of mind. It has given me God. The feeling of peace I get when I read it and sometimes just picking it up I can't explain, it just calms me. There are several quotes that I remember, some I have listed on my Facebook page.

There is my support group of course that has lots of good stuff in it's literature and I'm inspired by the other people in it. I now help run a couple of the groups when time allows. The main leader always has all sorts of new stuff that she finds online and in books to share with us all. Recently she gave me the following poem. I have typed it up in Word in a fancy script, will print it on some nice paper and am looking for a frame so I can hang it in my living room. Part of my challenge in this last year is to love myself, to stop limiting myself and letting others do that so this poem has a lot of meaning to me. I wanted to share it cause it's that good:

A Miracle in the Making

I am willing to accept that I am a miracle in the making.
I have within me a power that can do the most incredible things.
Today I take the first step toward re-establishing my awareness of the glory of life.
The beauty in the world around me.
The miracle that lies about me on every hand.
Today I will take another step forward in establishing conscious contact with the creator,
Believing I will be responded to, taken by the hand, and led along the road of life.
I will take time along the way to enjoy my life with new vigor, fire and excitement.
Today I put aside my lower nature, my problem self.
Today I open my mind to the belief in miracles.
Today I believe in myself and something greater than myself.
Today my life is a miracle in the making.
--Author Unknown--

They are going to let me read this poem as part of our morning meditation at school on tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about that.

Speaking of school, today was awesome. Food Science was so interesting. The teacher who taught it spoke of foods as like drugs because at their chemical level, that is how our bodies react to them. The class just flew by. We have two more classes with her, which I am now really looking forward to going to.

I got an e-mail today that my Jason tickets are on their way!!!!! 9 days and counting. I can't wait. I hope I don't have to go by myself but it will all depend on when Mark gets back next Friday. This week it's a late flight, won't be home until nearly 8pm and I hope it's not the same next week but I will go without him if I have too!

So I'm back....I think!!!

I had someone recently ask about my blog and it got me thinking. I do an awful lot of journaling now and I find pen/paper a really effective way to work things out. On the other hand, I miss my blog. I pondered for awhile deleting my old one and starting over(too many not so great memories) but I chose not too. My goal is not to regret the past or shut the door on it but instead learn from it and move on, which I think I am doing quite well.

Much has changed about me, which is good. Much has not changed with X. You think that a divorce changes things but they don't really. You still relate to each other in that old dysfunctional way. It also seems that the stronger I get, the worse it gets with him. He does not like to be told no, and why should he? I didn't tell him that for nearly 20 years. I seem to keep having the same conversations with him about the same things over and over and over. I keep changing and working, either he will too or he won't, his choice. I can't change him, no matter what, and that is something I have to keep remembering.

This summer has been crazy. I would love to have balance in my life but it seems to be either feast or famine for me. Either I have so much to do, that I'm nuts, or I have nothing to do. I either have a house full of people and am struggling to find a second alone to think, or no one is here and it's too quiet. Unfortunately I don't see this situation changing anytime soon.

Mark is in Maryland this week. He has two jobs to try to complete before coming home on Friday. The first job was supposed to be easy but it was not. With his travel time and the time he worked at the customer's shop, he put in a 14 hour day. Today promises to be more of the same. He sounded so stressed and tired last night. The travel is so hard on us all. Things have reached a pretty good point for us. I still at times think that maybe I did rush into this too soon and needed to work more things out for myself. In the end though, he is a wonderful and amazing man(not a selfish boy) and I'm glad that I have given this a chance. I have NEVER in my life been treated so well, felt so loved, supported or respected and in the end that is what truly matters. It does not hurt that he is tall, dark and handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, musical and spiritual. He has opened my heart, mind and soul to soooo much!!!

I am still in my horrible stitching slump. I have not put needle to fabric since at least February, and before that it was practically non-existent. I see all these gorgeous WIP's, Mira is putting out all these Pixie's that are so beautiful, but I can't seem to get needle in my hand. It's not just a time thing because I can find the time but I don't know, I just haven't been able to. I took some stuff out over the weekend and looked at it but......I have replaced it with reading. I found an awesome trade in bookstore not to long ago and I go there at least once a month and load up.

The kids are doing Ok, for the most part. Gaelan is pretty easy going, which is in his nature. Donovan on the other hand has been all over the place. First he is angry with me, then his dad, then us both and it's a constant balancing act with him. I know he is angry that his whole life has been upset and he feels out of control, on the other hand, he can't have everything his way. It's my fault too. I never really disciplined him before, I left that up to X to do because he had a better way of handling it. Donovan never learned to respect me in that way so I'm playing catch up. It's not helpful that the message he is getting from his dad, both verbally and in his actions, is that I don't deserve to be respected.

I am having a few twinges of something this morning and struggling a little with it. Not sure what to call it....X and I have exchanged a few e-mails recently about the kids which almost always puts me in a bad mood. It is still a little jab to me when 1. he signs it as Will, like he is a whole new person now and 2. that it is signed from BOTH of them. This bugs me on a couple of levels. She is not a part of this, this is between X and I and she does not get a say in what happens. It also still stings just a little that I was shuffled out and her shuffled in. Does she not see how wrong that is? It's like my role was re-casted, one day his wife is me, the next it's her, with no lag time in between. How does the rest of the world feel about that, his family, their friends? She walked away from a 7 year relationship to be with X too and it seems so seamless, like the neither of us mattered to either of them. Does no one question that? It shouldn't matter and it does matter less and less. According to my counselor though, the fact he did that has way more to do with him than me, and I almost believe her at this point. She also says it's still pretty normal to have some small twinges from time to time about it. She thinks that I am doing well and am on the right track. In the end, there are a few things that I am just going to have to accept and do even though I know it's not right or fair and that is really unacceptable to have to but for the kids I will once AGAIN take the high road. It sucks though!!! I am going to try really hard to let it go today instead of spending all my energy on the thoughts of it since I can't change it and I want peace over being right....I would love to have both but the world doesn't always work that way!

I am counting down the days to my JASON CONCERT on 8/14. Yes, folks I still have mad, crazy love for him and I have converted Mark too!! He will often play some Jason songs for me on his guitar . Jason's blog lately have been so inspiring!!!

I've also branched out musically and discovered that I love Lifehouse, that I got from Mark. The first song he played/sang for me was "You and Me". I did not realize how many of their songs I had heard on the radio and liked. I was further excited when I discovered that some of their music is written by Jude Cole and that they record on the record label he started. I loved Jude Cole back in the day!!!! Mark has also opened me up to some Christian music and I love a song by a guy named Brandon Heath called "I'm not who I was". That is not a christian song per se but it was like everything I would like to say if I could write. I am also a pretty big fan of the country band Lady Antebellum. I wanted to see them live but they are opening for Kenny Chesney and that is a ticket I just can't afford at the moment. I hope they tour on their own soon.

I think that's it for now. I can't promise that I will be able to write every day but who knows. Still it was kind of nice to check in here again.