Sarah527 Blog

The life of a single mom of two boys as she explores new ideas, new thoughts, and a new career.

Friday, March 31, 2006

No pictures today :(

I was going to post my WIP of Forest Goddess and couple of finishes but DH has a second computer hooked up to his so he can do a job for a friend at home. I can't access the software I need to get the pictures off the digital camera and onto a computer so I'm going to have to wait until Monday probably.

I also want to take a second and say some nice things about my DH. I think that I've bashed him a lot in the past few weeks, not that he didn't deserve it but I'm only painting one side of the picture, my side. A lot of times too in cyberspace I have a tendency to put out all my "bad thoughts" and feelings out there. It's a release for me to get all my pettiness, and crabbiness out. To say all the things I want to really say to someone's face but can't because well, you just don't.

My Dh is the most amazing man. After 18 years together he still makes me feel wonderful. After two kids and about 20 pounds of extra weight he still lusts after me. He still makes me laugh, he still makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world, and most importantly he loves me, wholly and completely. I still find him hot as heck, and there is no one I would rather be with than him. If I could do it again, I would, just as we have, without a second thought. He brought peace, love, and joy to me. He has given me a family of my own, stability and order to what otherwise would have been a not so great life. Before I met him I had no idea what my worth was, he showed me that I was more than my past, that I could be a good person, that I could rise above my past choices, and to be more than I thought I could be. He taught me about love, acceptance, and God.

He is an a wonderful provider. He works hard, damn hard, every day to provide us with the things we need. Sure, we don't have everything we want, but we have what we need, every day. He would never dream of not working, it's just not in his nature. Even when he was laid off last year, the second time in a year that he had been laid off, he was back out there almost immediately. Our finances have changed. He was a bit over paid for what he did at his last two places of employment(mainly because he worked for the same guy for 16 years), still he's done well for himself. He took a "fill in while someone was on vacation" job and turned it into a supervisor position. He's running the entire department, production is up, costs are down, overtime is down, and his bosses are pleased with him. The money will come later, maybe, but in the meantime he's sending out resumes because he is worth more but in the meantime he is doing what he can to make ends meet. Other husbands would demand their wives go back to work to ease the financial situation. Thankfully my DH see's a much bigger picture, a picture that shows that I have a much more important job here, raising two kids, and that a job would probably cost us more in the long run in either their well being or in real money with the cost of child care these days. Both of us are willing to make sacrifices so there is someone here everyday to send the kids off to school and someone here when they get off the bus. A lot of husbands wouldn't support such a decision in the same way my DH does.

He's is also such a great father. I suspected he would be but I never dreamed at how great he would really be. I saw it the instant the second line appeared on the EPT. I was scared spitless but he was so excited. He hustled and in 8mths time he had us a house, and made it livable for me and Donovan. When Donovan was born it was a sight to behold. He, having zero child care experience, jumped in with both feet. He took every opportunity to hold, cuddle, feed and change. He was bursting with love and pride for his son. He never once complained when Donovan required nightly walks from 7-9pm(he was kind of colicky), he just jumped in, picked him up and up/down the hallway they went every night. He never complained when Donovan failed to sleep through the night, consistently, in his own bed, until he was nearly 4 years old(and at 8yo he is still not a very good sleeper). Instead he tells new parents to enjoy the night time with their kids, it will be over in an instant.

When I got pregnant with DS #2 and it turned into a nightmare, he was there for *every* dr's appt, every test, every U/S, and there were many of them. He knew how tired, run down and sick I was the second time around so he was home every night by 4pm so he could "relieve" me. I was often sent to bed or to the couch to rest while he took over a majority of the child care. When G was born safe, healthy and most important perfect, he jumped into the role of dad of two with the same abandon. Again he took every chance to feed, cuddle and change. He loves both his boys so much and is such a hands on dad.

I think he deserves the right to do more than go to and from work. He has a right to have a life outside of me and the boys. For a long time that was the lodge. I don't mind it since it was mainly one night a week, a couple of weekends here/there(for now it also provides us with a second job which we need or I think he would give it up in lieu of hockey). The lodge is also family friendly. Most things outside of meetings are welcome to wives/families and we did do a lot of them as a family. It has also provided my boys an extended family they don't have since both my parents are gone and Dh has a small family. The lodge wives were the ones who threw me my baby shower. Most of them have known our boys since birth and love them like their own. Donovan looks forward to the breakfast on the first Sunday of the month and takes the job of Waffle maker very, very seriously. I also think the lodge is supportive of marriages as a whole. Except for my BIL all the members are in long term, happy marriages. I like that we are surrounded by people who have the same core beliefs as us and I know in a pinch I could call on any of them for hand. Its a support system I value and am glad that DH has made us a part to of it.

As for the hockey well, yeah, I don't love it. Still if it wasn't hockey it could be softball or bowling, or heck just hanging out with the guys, going to bars. He could go to the gym every day after work and be there for an hour(or more). Out of all the activities he could of picked to do, this is really not that bad. Sure it's played late, but hey, they are a D league team, they play last. Most nights before a game/practice/clinic, we are still able to be together as a family for dinner, he still helps with homework, is able to tuck both boys into bed, and we usually have a little time to ourselves too before he leaves. In fact Wednesday night, after dinner and before practice, I played on the computer, and took a shower. Dh got the boys to finish their homework, unloaded the dishwasher, got the boys to put their clothes away, and finished the laundry I had started earlier in the day(it was his work shirts but still). Hockey or not I know a lot of husbands that don't do that much on any given night.

I also have a better frame of reference. Last year when he went to work at what I'll call company B things got pretty bad. He was going to work at 3am, working a shift that straddled both the Midnight printing shift, and the Day shift. Sure he was home by 3pm most days, got paid overtime so we were doing well on money, but he was miserable. He was having chest pains, shortness of breath, a series of abnormal white blood counts that worried his dr and he just checked out of life. He barely talked, he wasn't really engaged with the kids, most nights he vegged in front of FOX News before crashing as soon as the boys were in bed at 8pm. We didn't talk, we didn't laugh, we didn't go out, we didn't have sex, we didn't a lot of things and I hated it. Then he got laid off It was like he was let out of jail. It was the scariest time but the best thing that could of happened. I got my husband back.

I'll gladly give up a few nights a week, I'll gladly give up some of our financial security to have my husband the way he is now. He laughs, he jokes, he's happy, he's carefree, he doesn't have chest pains anymore. And yeah, we still have times where I feel like we aren't communicating and yeah, there are issues we don't see eye to eye on and that frustrates the heck out of me but this is much, much better than it was this time last year.

I'm not saying that it fine that he was out all night. I'm not saying it was fine that he worried me and I'm not saying that we don't need to find a way to make this more equitable but I am saying he is entitled to have a life, away from here, away from us, and I'm Ok with that aspects of it(mostly).

My life isn't so hard or bad either you know. I'm basically a loner, and have been most of my life, I don't like large groups of people and an ideal day to me is spent stitching or reading or playing with my kids. Sure, I've felt a bit trapped in the last year when we didn't have a second car. I hate having to walk to the bus stop every day, 3X a day, no matter the weather but you know it's not that far, and I could use the exercise. After I get Donovan off to school I have a good 3 hours with just G at home. We watch cartoons, color, play play doh or I can stitch, play on line, read, and yes, clean if I want. After G is in school I have 3 glorious hours of alone time, just about EVERY day(minus school vactaions, holidays and 1/2 days which there are a lot of, incluging today where G is home all day and Donovan will be home by 11). I don't think my DH has ever been in the house completely alone. During that time I can do whatever I want. I don't think my DH gets that, ever, during the day.

I too have a hobby, stitching. In the past 18 years I think I have spent far more on my hobby than Dh ever did on any of his(hockey included). My hobby can be done in the privacy of my own home but I have spent my fair share of time away from home doing it too. A few years in a row I went away for 5 days to a stitching festival with friends. One year those days off that Dh took to be with the boys was the only vacation he got, all year long, at all. He didn't complain, didn't ever once say not to go, he encouraged it and never once begrudged me a single penny I spent while I was there, even though I had boxes of stuff already at home. He was happy if I was happy. I met a wife at the festival who had to have her mother take the kids for her to be there because her husband didn't want to "babysit" their kids while she was gone. My Dh looked forward to doing all the things with the boys and having some "man" time with them.

Hockey so far except for gas, has costs us nothing. His mom paid his fees for the league this time around, he bartered a printing job to pay for the clinic, and the practices are paid for by the team captain(my BIL). If the team members have few bucks to kick in for the ice rental great, if not don't sweat it. After the games the little bar near the rink offers free pizza to the teams so they go and eat that, Dh has one beer, costs $2, a buck for a tip, and he's home. I'm welcome to come but where are you going to find a sitter to watch the boys from 9pm-2am? And really do I want to go sit in a freezing arena for hour? Not really, hockey is not my thing. Most nights when he leaves, I read for an hour and am asleep myself. If he was playing at 7pm at night or in the middle of the day during the weekend I think I would have a lot more to complain about. Out of all the things he could of picked, this is really the least disruptive, to family time, and alone time. Most nights, if he wasn't playing hockey, I'd be stitching, reading or watching TV, he'd be on his computer playing online, so it's not like we'd be together a lot anyways.

And as for an affair, I guess it's possible, but I doubt it. First of all sex is not where he gets his identity. He was never the kind of guy to sleep around when he was single and it was available. He has a respect for sex and what it means between two people and that it should be shared in the context a marriage(ideally of course) ok, he wasn't perfect or a virgin when we married, but I'm just saying he is not the typical male in that kind of thinking. If anything I was the one who slept around and didn't have the best track record prior to marrying. I'm not saying that my marriage is affair proof, no marriage is, but I know my DH takes his wedding vows very seriously. I think it would take a lot to break them. I also think he's a lot more happy with the way things are than I am at times.

And most importantly I looked my Dh in the eye when he came home. I know I saw the truth. I also know my Dh is a pretty smart guy, if he was doing something other than sleeping in the car, he would of been much more creative in his excuse. I think he was just plain tuckered out, and has finally realized he may be thinking he is aging backwards but in reality he is almost 39 years old and he needs to slow down maybe a tiny bit.

I'm sure next week, I'll be back to bashing him, cause that's what I do, complain about my husband, so when he comes home I can be smiling and happy but I just wanted to acknowledge that while some things are unacceptable, I do know I could have it a whole hell of a lot worse, and I wanted to paint a more balanced picture of him since I usually only present one side of the story.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


I hate dealing with people you know. They try to take advantage, nickel and dime you to death, and think you should cut them a special deal.

After saying they would buy the car, the lodge brother's wife is now saying she wants us to knock another $100 off the price(we already knocked $100 off with the first price we gave them) and they won't buy it without having a mechanic look it over.

It's a 10 year old, $800 car, not the investment of a lifetime. What do you think you are going to get? It's in decent shape, run, stops, goes backwards, has heat and looks Ok in the process. It sure is a lot better then my first car that I paid $500 for.

Either buy it or not but I don't want to dicker!

Ok so at what point did you *want* me to worry?

Tonight was hockey practice, supposedly the last one for awhile, so he *had* to go. He left the house like normal at about 9pm. I tried calling him about 9:45(15 mins before they were supposed to hit the ice) to ask a question. I got no answer but figured maybe he just didn't hear the phone. I fell asleep and woke at a little after 3am. I was alone, cold, and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed I checked out front for the car, not there. I checked the basement just in case DH might have had car problems or rode home with someone else and was maybe in the basement.

AT first I wasn't too concerned because he has been later, but not usually for hockey practice, plus it's a Wednesday night/Thursday morning I assume everyone else has to work too. I wait about 15 mins and try his cell. No answer. I try on/off for the next hour, it rings, not answer, goes to voice mail, I skip leaving a message. At 4am I'm worried and I think with good reason. Even if they stopped for pizza and beer after the bar closes at 2am. It's maybe a 20 minute trip home on the freeway( 35 if you take regular roads). At this point I"m not sure what to do but I think it's perfectly reasonable to be concerned, I mean really, he's essentially 2hrs late from normal and if he was two hours late from work or any place else I'd be worried. I think the fact that it's the middle of the night/early morning, any number of things could of happened.

I started with calling his brother cell phone, then his friends cell phone, thinking maybe instead of the bar they went for breakfast at a nearby Coney island, which would still be open. Maybe they are just chatting and lost track of the time. No answer. Finally I call his brothers house. I didn't want to but again if it was any other time, and he was this late, no answer of his cell phone, I'd call the last people he was with. I talked to my SIL, who was not amused(sorry) and she told me they all left the arena pretty much once they were all changed, about 11:30pm-midnight. Of course this does nothing to make me feel better cause this means no one has seen him since then. I try our friend Scott, he too left him about the same time and thought that *maybe* he might of gone to the bar for beer/pizza with a couple of team mates. He's not sure who and doesn't really have anyone's phone numbers.

I start to fret. I'm thinking if he was killed in an accident or hurt they would of let me know by now. Then I was worried because he was driving his moms old car and he hasn't transferred the title yet. I call her because frankly I need to talk to someone at this point and she is an early riser and maybe they did call her. She was thankfully awake, and had not heard from DH either. She thought I had a right to be concerned and was herself. Her suggestion was to try the state police first since they handle the highways since that's his most direct and usual route.

I started there, talked to a really nice officer, who assured me there were no accidents on the freeway , and if he had been in accident where he couldn't speak, I'd be notified quickly. I then worried that he was arrested. He's not a huge drinker but a couple of beers that long after dinner, playing hard, and even with a slice of pizza, and who knows with the new very much lower blood alcohol levels what could of happened. The state police suggested I try them local departments. I would have to call them individually since there is no "main" data base. The only thing that sucked is I live in Oakland county, a majority of the cities are in Macomb county so I have to call information for each one of their non-emergency numbers.

I started with the Macomb county sheriff her also assured me there were no accidents and transferred me to the jail department, no arrests for anyone of that name. I then got a list of all the cities between here and there(assuming he took a direct route). I called each one individually. Most were nice, told me there were no accidents, no arrests and between each phone call I called his cell, still no answer.

I was on my very last police department before calling my local department to file a missing persons report(you don't have to wait 24 hours and they thought at this point with him being gone now maybe 5 hours it might be a good idea) I hear the call waiting beep. It's DH. He's not hurt, not arrested, but FELL ASLEEP IN THE PARKING LOT after hockey. I was so relieved for an instant and then livid. I told him to get home and that I had to call his mom right away. She too was relieved but used her mom voice and said to have DH call when he got in.

When he got here he had the nerve to be upset with me!! What? Excuse me? At what point should of I have worried? I mean I know you are gone a lot lately, I don't hardly see you, but you were basically 2-3 hours late(maybe more in my mind since both your brother and friend last saw you at 11:30), you didn't call anyone, you weren't answering your cell, so what was I supposed to think? At best you were out screwing Stephanie or at worst laying dead in some hospital somewhere.

He is currently upstairs asleep. I'm so mad I can hardly see straight. I couldn't even talk when he got home, I still can't. I tried laying down but I'm too wide awake. I keep wondering how did I get here? After 18 years of being together I should not be up at 4am wondering where you are? It's not acceptable and I don't know how to work this out. He's told he's not giving up hockey and I don't think it's fair that he's gone as much as he is. It's not acceptable for a 38yo married man, w/2 kids, being somewhere at 2am, with ANYONE, on a regular basis. I don't think that is too much to ask...I really don't.

Man, I'm tired and have the worst headache. But on the bright side I did learn that most of the police between here and there are really nice(one guy was a bit of a jerk when I asked if he had been arrested and asked me if I thought he had reason to be arrested), if you are ever in accident where you can't speak your family will be notified pretty quickly(using either you driver license or the car registration information) and that for the most part all the towns between the hockey rink and home had a relatively quiet night with very few arrests, no accidents, or towing of any cars. I'm glad someone had a quiet night.

Now to paste on a happy face, wake Donovan up for breakfast, get a lunch packed and truck off to the bus stop. Thankfully this afternoon I'll be able to take a nap while the boys are at school or if G watches a movie this morning I might be able to close my eyes for a few minutes on the couch. Getting up at 3am is way too early and it's way to early for that kind of stress!!!!

Ok, it's now a few hours later, about 9:30. I'm so freaking exhausted and I can't believe how long the day seems when it starts at 3am!

We talked, on the phone, which I found a lot better for me, I was able to be calmer, more direct and made my point. First he apologized, profusely, he said he was upset because I was so upset and he felt like an idiot. He said he was embarrassed and now he has to call his brother, his friend and his mom, apologize and feel stupid all over again. He also assured me he would smooth any ruffled feathers with my SIL about me calling them and waking them when they have to work a 16 hour day today(hey, they were the *last* ones with him and I thought the best place to start).

I just told him that it was unacceptable to continue to behave this way. I should not have to be wondering what he is doing in the middle of the night or where he is doing it. It doesn't matter if it's hockey, bar hopping, or star gazing, I'm sick of it. I laid out a few ground rules.

First I *want* phone numbers, for Stephanie particularly since he was the last person DH was with(her and her boyfriend). If I could of talked to her and realized he stopped for a drink with them I might not of freaked so much after talking to my SIL who stated she last saw him at 11:30, where as he went to the bar. I also told him I wanted his ICQ password or to have his BIL/SIL authorize my name on their ICQ, along with Stephanie and Scott. I might of tried sending an ICQ to any of them last night before calling. Not knowing who to call was the scariest part last night really.

I also told him he had to decide, clinic or practice. He wasn't doing both. 4 nights a week is too many to be gone.

I then told me he had to carpool more often. Our friend Scott is less than 1 mile away and has offered a lot to pick DH up. Dh says he doesn't want to do that in case he needs to leave then fine, you drive, pick up Scott and Scott could have his wife come get him(they have no kids) or he could probably catch a ride with someone else(one guy is within 5 miles of Scott).

I told him his phone must be on ringing when he leaves the house. He had his cell phone, in his pocket, but on vibrate, but it wasn't loud enough to wake him. This happened one other time when I tried to call him on the way home from work and he had it in his coat pocket. I called for nearly 45 mins before arrived at home and said he didn't hear it(I wasn't looking for him, just needed him to pick something up and he would rather do it on the way home then go out again). I understand why he has it on vibrate during the day at work but when he leaves work, switch it on, it takes a second to do. If it had been on ringing it could of saved me a ton of worry because it would of woken him up when it rang the first time I called.

I also insisted from now on if he is going to stop and have a drink, then he needs to call me, I don't have to wake up to answer it, but he can leave a message telling me what time he his heading over to the pub. Practice, the clinic, and the games are always running behind it seems so the time they are done may vary. That was part of the frustration last night was I wasn't sure what time they would of been "done" with practice and when I could of reasonably expected him home(though by 3am it was pretty clear something had gone wrong). This is a must if they vary the this and go somewhere else, like the Coney island that they did one day where he wasn't home until 4am. I don't want to be a bitch or act like his mom but wanting to know where he is doesn't seem like a great thing to ask, especially since I am his wife, mother of his children, at home, waiting for him.

I told him I loved him, wanted our marriage to work, but I wasn't going to be a door mat. We may have kids, I may not have a family to run to, but I won't put up with this forever. If he wants to age backwards that's fine, but he has to adjust it slightly or he will be back to his dating days.

I know some people might think I'm naive for believing him. They probably think he was off with some girl or something. I don't think so, I think he really did fall asleep in the car, but I'm pissed none the less.

In my effort of trying to see the good with the bad, I'm sooo incredibly thankful that he did fall asleep in the car and not on the drive home. He took my MIL's car that she gave us to last night because it's easier to drive. It's an automatic(our other car was a stick shift which requires a bit more action) and cruise control. If he was that tired he could of just as easily fallen asleep at the wheel and been really hurt or hurt others. This also adds some more weight to my theory that he should carpool as well. If he was riding with someone else last night, they could of driven for him if he was that tired.

I also told him if that happens again, or if he ever feels too tipsy after pizza and beer to PLEASE call me. I'll wake up the kids and come get him if I have to, I'll be pissed, but it will save that fear I had in the pit of my stomach at 4m.

I did make it mighty clear though if he is late like this again with some stupid excuse, I'm done. I'm not going to continue to cater and bend my life around him without some more in return. After 18 years of being together I deserve better treatment and a hell of a lot more respect than what I've been getting!!

Tomorrow I'll post some stitching pictures and leave all the boring, mundane life stuff alone for awhile!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Good news!!!

DH just called. We had one of the lodge brothers at our house on Sunday to help Dh with some lodge paperwork. We asked him if he knew anyone who wanted to buy a car and he said he did. He wanted one for his daughter who has just started driving. We told him the one Neon would be perfect, he looked it over, and said he would have to talk to his wife and daugther and get back to us. He also asked about the old jeep in the driveway. It's not a bad car, just needs more than we were willing to put into but with a new set of tires, a steering pump, it's good to go. He said he'll buy that too.

I'm very excited. I was worried it would take a lot longer than this to sell the cars and now it looks like they will both be gone by the end of the week!!

Still feeling sick

I had hoped to feel loads better today but I don't. I'm still really tired since I had a hard time sleeping and then woke up too early thanks to DH . I was able to eat some plain rice yesterday and a piece of toast. I'm hoping if I eat something today I'll feel better, that and a small nap, since my eyeballs feel like sandpaper at the moment.

I did want to share something cute that happened yesterday so Warning: Cute kid story to follow:

Last night we were watching the evening news and they had a story about the protests happening all over the country regarding the new immigration bill. In the story they kept using the words Illegal Alien. G though they were talking about "real" aliens and wanted to know how the aliens got here. It took both DH and I a second to realize he meant like Martians/aliens not immigrants. It was particularly funny when the story talked about the illegal aliens working in the US. G wanted to know why he had never seen one working in any of the places we go to.

Monday, March 27, 2006

More illness and man, I'm tired!!

I just got both boys healthy and feeling good and illness strikes again. G was up from 11pm until 4am Saturday night into Sunday morning with a stomach bug. I have to say he is the most agreeable sick kid around but wanted to snuggle and wanted mom so I spent most of the night either at the foot of his bed or with him snuggled into bed with me. DH thankfully cut his after hockey socializing short and was home to help but I was still pretty wiped out on Sunday. I did get in a nap but I had a lot to do so I went to bed last night just wiped out.

I myself woke at 3am boiling hot. I wondered if it might be a hot flash(gasp, but I am nearly 39 so not unheard of at my age). I took off my Pj's, threw on a t-shirt, went back to sleep. 4:15am I woke up freezing cold, I put my PJ's bottoms back on. 5:55am boiling hot. I got up then. When I stood up my stomach rolled, UGH!! I had what G had. Thankfully it had been awhile since I ate anything so hopefully I'll skip the actual getting sick part but I feel horrible. I can't get warm now, achy, and way, way tired.

Other than the illness it was a pretty good weekend. I got everything done I needed too. I got all the laundry done, the grocery shopping, the errands, etc. DH was busy with hockey(the clinic started back up on Friday night and then the game on Saturday night). I missed him but he is having fun.

I got out a little while on Saturday. I went to the movies with the Lodge Wives. We saw the Disney movie "Eight Below". I knew very little about the movie going in but I did enjoy it. The one guy couldn't act but it was a good, basic Disney film. I felt bad for the one lady who sobbed through most of it. Sure, it had it's sad moments that choked me up to but it was a Disney movie after all so I could pretty much guess the ending going in.

After the movie we went out to dinner. Billy left the boys with my MIL and met us. We had some yummy bar food(cheese sticks, YUM) and some beer. We had to leave early so we had enough time to get the boys and get DH home in time for his hockey game.

When we picked the boys up from my MIL house I was reading one of her local papers. On the front page of it was another story about Donovan's teacher last year(She is the one charged with assault after another adult witnessed her putting her hands a 6yo throat in the hallway). A second charge of assault has been added. This time a parent of a child in her class has come forward and said that this teacher grabbed her child's shirt, yelled, made him cry in front of everyone, and refused to let him go to lunch and he missed eating his lunch. This charge sounds credible but without a witness it seems a little shakier than the other. The quote from her lawyer made it sound like now parents are just piling on.

really bristled at the assertition that she was a beloved teacher and had a stellar record. After a few chats with parents last year I got the impression that this teacher had a reputation of being a bit hard on the kids, yelling a lot, not speaking nice to the kids and not loved at all. I know I found her *very* difficult to deal with and I did take a concern at one time to the principal. Nothing physical happened thank goodness with Donovan but I know he struggled horribly in her class last year. I think having her as a teacher contributed to that. Within just a couple of months this year he was reading not only at grade level but is now reading above. His math and spelling skills are excellent(he aced another spelling test getting 22 out of 22 right, after missing 3 days of school due to illness). It just goes to show what a good teacher can do and how bad one can really hamper. I wish now I had pushed more to have Donovan moved from her class but hindsight is 20/20. I'll listen to my gut next time.

I wish I could find a link to the article I read over the weekend but that paper is not online and I could not find it listed in the other local papers that are online. I don't think the second charge has gotten as much press as the first. She goes to trail by jury, in April on the first charge and they aren't sure yet if they want to try them together or separately.

I also think the second charge really does seal her fate and she will not be back to teaching.

I'm off to rest some more on the couch.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Yeah it's Friday!!

Well, I don't know if I'm looking forward to the weekend. I feel like this past week I've hardly gotten any peace and quiet or any alone time(other than sleeping). Still the kids were are excited about the prospect of two days off of school.

The concert went excellent last night. I know G is tall but you forget sometimes until you see him with kids his own age. He was in the very back row and did pretty good. At least he didn't look terrified and seemed to know the words. The concert was nice and I didn't realize there were that many songs devoted to trains. The only thing I don't get is the parents. Some of them are so rude like letting the other siblings run up and down the center of the gym, talk through the entire performance, or let them stand in your lap so they can see but you can't see a thing through them. And then there is the waving. I don't get that, do you really think just because you are waving frantically that your child can pick you out of a crowd that size?

Before the concert we went to the book fair. It was nice to see the boys excited about books, any books, since neither so far seem to really like to read even though we try to read to them on a daily basis and they see me reading all the time. G picked out two lego books which are basically big advertisements for the products but he's thrilled. Dovovan picked out a Lego book as well as book about a boy name Artemis Fowl. It looks cute and he was looking through it last night. I'm also glad the book fair took checks and it was the day before payday.

Dh had a busy week at work. He had several meetings with his boss about some changes that DH felt should be done on how jobs are written up. His department gets blamed for a lot of stuff since it's in the middle of the CSR's and the press. They aren't mind readers and sometimes things aren't written down at all or communicated in anyway. Dh has been saying for awhile this has to stop and now his boss's are willing to back him up. This made Dh really happy, and a bit more optimistic about the job, still not enough money, but this is more back up then he's gotten anyplace else.

We are now currently faced with a glut of cars. First we had one car, that needed some suspension work and now we have 3 cars!!

First there is our blue neon that our BIL has been working on the last 3 weeks for us. We got that back last night. Now that the suspension has been fixed and with the money we put into it early this year it's back to it's old zippy self.

Then there is the white Neon, same year as our blue one, about the same mileage, that our friends gave us(and we tried to give back). We've been using that while the blue one was being repaired. I think this has the best potential for selling since it's an automatic(our blue one is a stick shift) and over all looks better inside and out.

Then last week we got my MIL car. She has a Oldsmobile, same age as the Neons, but in awesome shape. She's not much of a driver so it has less than 40,000 miles on it and she kept it in the garage Plus last year she basically had the engine rebuilt as well as had new tires put on. She promised we could have it when she bought a new car, which she was planning on doing in the summer/fall. Instead she bought a new car right away, got delivery of it so now we have that one too. Money wise this could net the biggest profit but we need at least one *really* good car and I think my MIL would be a bit peeved so this one we are keeping. It's an automatic everything and it's really cool when you come out and hit the button to unlock the doors the dome light comes on too. Very nice at night. It also gets about the same gas mileage as our Neon so it will be a nice ride for DH to and from work since he has such a long commute.

Oh yeah, I guess we really have 4 cars. We still have our old clunker of a Jeep in the backyard. That used to be my car until a seal went on the steering pump. The seal costs all of .50 but to get to it requires us to take apart half the engine. Not worth it for such an old vehicle that gets such bad gas mileage(maybe 5 miles to the gallon). My BIL was going to take it off our hands in exchange for the repair work he did on our blue Neon. Now that the repair work is finally done(we've only been waiting since June for him to do it) he isn't interested in the jeep. It runs and it's still legally plated but you can't turn it. We start it every now and then, drive it up and down the driveway but that's about it. When it rains, it pours I guess.

I don't know what we are going to do with all these cars. We will definitely sell the white Neon and are going to *try* to hang on to the blue neon and of course keep the olds. As for the Jeep I don't know what we are going to do. I don't know if we can really sell it in the shape it is in(it also really needs tires). I suggested that we donate it and get a nice deduction on next years taxes but DH says he wants to sell that too. I think he's dreaming.

I'm going to have to keep on DH about this(I hate to nag)but we *can not* have 4 cars at our house....Someone is going to complain soon and if I don't keep on DH he'll just procrastinate forever(hence, why the jeep stopped moving in May of last year is still sitting in our driveway and why it took nearly 8mths to finally get my BIL to do the repairs on our car).

I've been stitching a lot this past week on "Forest Goddess". I'm making pretty decent progress. I'm trying an new approach. I'm doing all of the same color before moving to another color. I don't know if it's any faster but it's getting the greens in her cape out of the way so then I can do the fun colors in her dress. For the time being I've put all my stitching SAL's on hold(the UFO Friday's and the Band Sampler SAL) for the rest of the month to focus on FG. Next month I'll start back on them but with the way the last 2 weeks have been I decided it was better to throw out the rules and just work on what I want to.

My UTI is already feeling better. I got on it so quick that I was feeling loads better by bedtime. DH has a wacky idea. He suggested I make an appt with my Dr. before the next UTI hits and see if he will write me another prescription like he did last time( He gave me enough extra to treat either 3 more infections or I could use 1/2 a tablet after certain activities(ie sex) to prevent them) That worked pretty good. It would certainly help us to be able to "plan" a dr's visit then have the UTI pop up when we may be short of cash. Without a UTI the visit would be cheaper since they wouldn't have to run any tests. Next week I may call my Dr to see if he would be willing to do that( no sense making the appt, running out there to have him tell me no).

Last September one of the PA at the office wrote me a similar prescription to take to prevent them. It was a different antibiotic and it was nearly $70 for 30 of them, $20 more than it would cost to see the Dr, have the test and fill the prescription for when I did get one. When I saw my Dr. He agreed that it was a bit pricey and thought the basic generic antibiotic I take to treat one would work just as effectively to prevent one.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Back to school!

Donovan was well enough to go back to school today. He wasn't happy about it and was very grumpy this morning. I'm glad that it turned out not to be anything to serious. I'm looking forward to a little bit of peace and quiet this afternoon with both boys at school. I don't feel like I've had a moment to myself in days, and I really haven't. I've missed it.

I woke up to a not so great surprise. I have another UTI. Thankfully when I had my last one my Dr wrote me a prescription for enough to treat 3 of them so I don't have to troop to the dr's. For a prescription. I'm catching it super early so I should be feeling better pretty quickly. I'm just frustrated to get yet another one. I've done all the right things and yet another one. I know stress is not good but still it hurts and I'm not happy.

Tonight is the spring concert at the boys school. G is singing tonight and is very excited about it. The theme is trains and traveling. DH even scheduled some one else to stay late for him tonight so we won't be late. I'm looking forward to seeing it. This will be first for G and hope he doesn't get nervous.

Today is also my mom's birthday. I have long since given up trying to think of how old she would of been but I always feel a little sad on this day. We may not have had the best of relationships at times but I miss her everyday. She will be gone 16 years this August and I'm still sometimes surprised at how much I still miss her. This day and the anniversary of her death are two of the hardest days of the year. She missed seeing me grown and settled and missed two lovely grandsons....all because she chose to smoke. What a waste.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I just love the internet!! (mostly)

15 minuts of searching and I now have the complete list of the movies the Willaim Powell and Mryna Loy starred in together. I was disappointed that most of them, besides the Thin Man movies, aren't on DVD. A couple though are going to be on TCM in the coming months so I set up reminders for them. A lot of them are on in the middle of the night but thankfully I still have my trusty VCR and if I can find some tapes I'll set the VCR(I would soooo love TiVo or even Faux-Vo as I've heard people call the not TiVo digital recorders). I know this is probably really boring to anyone reading this who aren't movie buffs but so I don't forget them the movies are(in no particular order)

6 Thin Man movies(The Thin Man, After the Thin Man, Another Thin Man, Shadow of the Thin Man, The Thin Man goes Home, and Song of the Thin man)
I love you Again
Love Crazy
Double wedding
Manhattan melodrama
Libeled Lady
The Great Ziegfeld
Evelyn Prentice
The Senator Was Indiscreet( in this one Mryna Loy's part is more of a cameo)

I also discovered two movies that William Powell did that I would love to see "Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid" and "My Man Godfrey", neither are on DVD or slated to play on TCM anytime soon. I also found a movie by Mryna Loy I would love to see called "Wife Vs. Secretary"(again not on DVD, not slated to be shown). I guess last September TCM had a Mryna Loy tribute where they showed her movies all month long. I'll have to keep my eyes open to see if they might do something like that again. I also can't believe I missed the fact that she palyed Cary Grant's wife in one of my all time favorite movies "Mr. Blanding Builds his Dream Home". If you have ever done any kind of remodeling or home construction you can relate with this movie. It's Cary Grant at his best "at his wit's end" self.

Still sick

Donovan is home another day. He was much better yesterday but his temp rose again last night before bed back to 100 so I decided to give him another day to rest. It was normal this morning and other than still looking a bit tired I think he is on the mend. On the other hand I don't want to send him back to school too soon and risk him getting something else. Tomorrow I told him though it's back to school, you don't want to him too far behind.

Having him has been nice, kind of, except for the sick part. It's been nice to have him lay next to me on the couch and we've been doing a lot of talking. I try for the two of us to get some alone time but it's hard especially now that he's in school. He is such a thoughtful kid and it's great to see him turning into his own person. We've been talking a lot about a boy at school that has been causing him some problems. It's nothing to major but enough of a problem that I had to send a note to his teacher last week. We've been talking about ways to handle him when he gets back to school. We've also been working on some homework his teacher was nice enough to send home with G yesterday from school.

G is doing fine. He was only out the one day and is back to his normal self. In fact today I told him he had to notch it down he little since he jumped out of bed at full speed. That's G though, he's either off or on, no in between. I admire his "full speed ahead, head first into life" approach he can have but sometimes at 6am it is a bit much.

Yesterday was good. I continue to feel a bit better. I think my freak out is over and I feel like I'm getting some coverings back on my nerves. It's helped that DH has been a bit more supportive and around much more. He didn't have a hockey game on Saturday so that was nice to have him the whole weekend. He also skipped lodge last night and stayed home instead. I think he knew I needed a bit of a break. Hockey is starting back up again and he'll be gone a lot again but it's been a very nice interlude the past week.

We watched a very funny old movie on Turner Classic Movies called "I Love You Again" starring William Powell and Mryna Loy. We discovered these two actors about 2 years ago when we ran across a series of movies on the network called "The Thin Man". They were such fun, screwball comedy/ mysteries based on characters from a novel(or maybe a series of novels) Nick and Nora Charles by Dashel Hammet. They are a married couple, she is wealthy from her family, he was a detective before marrying her and there is always a mystery that only Nick Charles can solve. Along the way are a cast of funny side kicks showing up to help/hinder along the way. They have a loyal dog named Asta and a son that shows up in later movies(but the disappears again).

DH was drawn by the beauty of Mryna Loy and I was drawn in to the character played by William Powell, Nick Charles. He was such a Ne'er do well that seemed to spend most of the movie with a drink in one hand and cigarette in the other. They had such chemistry between them and they were fun and unlike most movies they made marriage look good(I was a little creeped out that he kept calling her Mommy but it was a different time)There is 6 in the series and we've seen all but the last one, "The Song of the Thin Man".

This movie last night was similar, they were married, but he played a guy who had amnesia and after a hit on the head discovers that for the last 9 years he was living his life as a pillar of the community in a small town. This horrified him since he was a con man before the amnesia. He decides to go back to his upstanding life to "swindle" the town and make off with the loot. Along the way he discovers he is married to Mryna Loy and decides to "romance" her just a little since she is in the process of divorcing him because he's such an up tight prig. The movie was very contrived plot wise and they played the amnesia bit to the hilt but it was also very funny and endearing. It all ends well and it's nice to have all the lose ends tied up when it was over.

I was sad to see it's not available on DVD because I would love to own a copy. I checked out the TCM site and it will be on again, along with another comedy with the two of them as a married couple called "Love Crazy". TCM has a handy little reminder feature where they will e-mail you before the movie is on so hopefully I'll be able to tape them both. (I also added the Thin Man boxed set to my wish list). The two of them did several movies together and I will have to do some browsing online and see if I can track down the names of them and see if I can see them. The host on TCM said that they were a well known on screen couple that did 14 movies together but that Mryna Loy thought it funny that she was seen at the perfect wife. In real life she was married and divorced 4 times. This for some reason seemed to intrigue DH. I think he has a new crush. Should I be jealous considering she passed away in 1993?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Donovan is a bit better this morning

Donovan rested all day yesterday which is rare for him. He barely ate all day but I did at least get him to eat some dinner(pancakes are hard to turn down). About 7pm though you could tell he wasn't feelingany better and by 8pm his temp peaked at almost 103. I gave him some motrin and he fell asleep on the couch. I felt bad waking him up but with the bunk bed there is now way I can lift him that high so he had to walk himself back to bed. I went to sleep early in anticipation of him having a restless night but was shocked when I woke at 5am and he hadn't been in once. I checked him, quietly, but he wasn't that warm so I went back to bed. He just got up a little while ago, about 45 minutes later than normal and his temp was only 99.8, not bad considering how high it was last night and that it has been nearly 12 hours since his last dose of motrin. He doesn't look nearly as sick either so that's a good thing. He'll be home again today.

G is doing great. I kept him home, gave him some motrin and he rested most of the day as well. He too seems a bit better, his temp is normal, he's asking for breakfast, but I might keep him home another day as well.

As for me my stomach hurts. Not like I'm going to be sick but just hurts, kind of like it did last week when I had that little virus. I'm hoping it's not the start of whatever they had because I would really not like to be sick, especially since the next few days are so busy for DH and I don't have a lot of help. I'm going to take it easy today and actually try to stitch for once, and I'm out of things to clean.

I slept a bit better last night, slept mostly through, and DH and I had some nice quality time this morning between 5-6am. It was a heck of a way to wake up and put me in a very good mood. Sure beats waking up and crying like I had been doing the past few days.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Update: Now I have 2 sick kids

I checked on Donovan a little while ago as he was resting in his room. Even with a dose of Motrin first thing this mornig he felt warm. His temp was normal but as I was putting away the ear thermometer Gaelan said "Hey, mom check mine". I had no reason to think he's sick since he was up at his normal time, running around like normal, woofed down breakfast and a snack and basically is very happy. I checked his temp and was shocked to see it register 100.6, check the other ear, 100.8, felt him, he was indeed warm. I guess he's not going to kindergarten this afternoon either.

I wonder how long until I get it or if that is what I had early last week. I wasn't very sick, or sick for that long, so I'm not sure. With my stress level lately I'm not so sure of my immune system so if there is something to get, I'll get it!

UGH!! This too shall pass, and now I get to have two kids to keep me occupied during the day. And here I was worried I'd be lonely today.....

What a difference a week makes...

I woke up last Monday feeling rather optimistic for me. I posted a nice long blog entry(it has seen be deleted), had a couple of pictures of things I was able to complete over the weekend. I was looking forward to the weekend and a GTG at my house with the Michigan area stitchers. DH and I had did some talking over the weekend and we were making some plans for St. Patrick's Day and a party we were going to attend and we went over our finances. Our finances were not in the best of shape but we hoped with a bonus Dh was promised we would get back on track. I had applied to a couple of online ads I saw in anticipation of getting a second car from our friends. One even called and wanted me to come in and fill out a real application.

I didn't feel awesome on Monday morning, I was a little sick with a minor virus that I had fought over the weekend. Donovan was kind of cranky that morning and I had a hard time getting him to the bus stop but I just thought it was the Monday morning blah's.

That's when the tide turned. I don't know exactly what planets got out of alignment or what but it went drastically wrong. By the end of the day I felt awful, really sick with a fever, Donovan was home from school with the same thing and DH came home in a *very* grumpy mood.

By Tuesday it had gotten even worse, Dh called at noon to tell me that he would be looking for a new job. When he got home he told me the bonus he was promised was not coming, and the productivity bonuses he was told he would be getting in lieu of a higher hourly wage were not going to be as expected. Without the bonuses he basically took a 12,000 a year pay cut. He also asked if I could move my GTG from our house because he didn't want to be stuck in the basement with the boys all day and he didn't think he could afford to do anything with them like he had planned. I was in complete shock. Granted I knew things were a bit sketchy at his job. I knew he didn't like the idea of the low hourly wage for the hopes of the bonus but when he said he made the best deal he could, I believed him, and I think he believed it at the time

All I can say is I didn't take the news well, nor process it well. Something minor happened in the online world and I lashed out. I cancelled the GTG(which I was going to have to do anyways) and walked away in a huff. I was hurt, and upset, and basically scared spitless at what we were going to do. I was a giant raw nerve with no covering. I don't think I was overly mean, or called anyone any names, just said I thought I needed a break from the online world. Well, I got one. Even with what I thought was a heartfelt apology on Thursday via e-mail, I got nothing really in return. One person wrote back but that was more about a RR I have in my possession. I'm so strapped for cash that I can't afford to mail it back right now and I had hoped someone would offer to pick it up but that didn't happen. I'm going to have to charge the cost of a mailing envelope as well as the postage cost on my one CC that I am current on and that has an available balance. All spare money is currently going to catch up the few things we let slide in hopes of the bonus. I had to drop out of the RR because of the financial concern. I can't afford to the cost of sending them. I felt really pressured to join in in the first place so I don't feel really horrible about dropping out but I do feel bad that there is now a gap in the schedule. I originally asked to have mine mailed back to me but again I couldn't afford that cost either so I told them to do whatever they wanted with it. It sucks that all that new floss is going to waste somewhere as well as the fabric but what can I do? I hate being broke!

We did get the second car from our friends but we won't be able to keep it. We explained to them that we can't afford to insure or drive it with gas prices the way they are and they said if we sold it that was fine, we could keep the money. This will help some, if we get it sold, but how much remains to be seen. No sense filling out the application or applying for any other jobs since I'll have no way to get there.

Even the St. Patrick's Party we were going to got cancelled and Dh ended up going out with a few friends from hockey so I spent the evening alone. On top of that all his worry about him not having anywhere to go on Saturday that made me cancel my GTG was for nothing. His friend came Saturday morning and took DH and the boys skating and for pizza and to an arcade. I spent all of Saturday alone too. My friends could have been here for a little while and I'm sure they would of been fine if the boys were around here and there to but he asked me to cancel so I did. I took a nap instead, which I needed, but still again, not what I had planned.

So what a difference a week makes. Last week I had plans and goals and friends and kind of good out look on the future, it wasn't perfect, but I felt like we could at least manage it. This week I'm just down, way down,. I wake up every day crying, I go to bed upset, I'm not sleeping, or if I do sleep I can't stay asleep. No one is talking to me and with no GTG's to look forward to or people to talk to during the day, I'm not sure how I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my days now(I can't focus long enough right now to stitch, so I've been doing a lot of cleaning). DH said last night that tomorrow is another day, out loud I say yep, and we will muddle through, inside thought, crap another day.

Donovan woke up this morning sick again so he will be home today. He has a fever, not high, only 101, and he says nothing specifically hurts(not his ears or his throat) so I'm hoping this is just a virus/flu and that he will be better in a couple of days. With our money situation I'm not sure how we would pay for a dr's visit or a prescription. On the bright side it give me something to focus on for today instead of all the things that are going wrong.

I just want to go back to bed and have a nice nervous breakdown or something but heck, we can't even afford that right now so I will have to suck it up, put on a smile and try to get through another day....And hope nothing else goes wrong!

So this is it, my last "I feel sorry for myself" kind of post, from now on I'm going to focus on the positive. It felt good to let it out, write down, and now I can just move on, and try to deal with what we do have in front of us. It may not be as I planned but it's more than most and it will have to be enough. I can't change anything that happened last week and if an apology is not enough, I don't have anything else I can offer.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The new furnance it nice!!

The furnance guy was here on Saturday, right on time. He had thought it could take 4 hours or more but he was done in a little over 3 hours. The new furnance looks nice, he seemed to do a good job, and even did a good job cleaning up.

I'm amazed at what a difference it is. I had hoped to be able to keep things warmer with a more efficient furnance but it doesn't look like I will have too. First I'm used to chilly. We've kept it that way all winter so even the few times we upped the thermostat it felt a bit too warm. And second even at the lower temps it "feels" much warmer than the old one.

There are two downsides. First is our furnance room is no longer the warmest room in the house. I used to love to go in there in the winter and poke around my craft stuff. It was warm. It is now one of the coldest since there are no vents in there. Ornament finishing at Christmas time will be interesting.

The new furnance is also loud. As loud as our old one but loud in a different way. The old furnance definitely didn't sound good and rattled a lot. The new one doesn't rattle but whooshes, loudly, and forcefully and not at all quietly. I'm wondering if I'm being overly sensitive to it because it's a new sound and in time it will fade in the background but now it seems like it is all I can hear. Sunday morning it woke me up when it kicked on at 6am to warm things up.

As predicted we are getting a warm spell now. I'm not complaining but I joked that once the new furnance got put in, it would be spring and I may be right. It will hit 60 by Saturday! I'm sure it will chill back down again but it's funny that my prediction might be coming true.

It was an OK weekend. Friday night DH had hockey practice. He left around 9pm, came in around midnight. Even though he tried not to wake me, he always does, and I'm still not used to sleeping alone as much as I have been lately.

Saturday I worked on Laundry while the furnance guy was here. In the afternoon after he left, Dh went with his friend Scott for a couple of hours. Scott had just got a new car and wanted to "show it off" some so they went for a drive. After that was dinner, some family time, then the boys went to bed. Dh left at about 9:15pm for the hockey game(enough said).

Sunday was the lodge breakfast and like I said I went, they had more than enough people so I got the set up done and then came home. I took a long nap since I was tired from being up so late Saturday night. I watched some TV, stitched and got everything set for the week.

I didn't get my stitching stuff organized like I had planned. I did move it, maybe when I move it back I'll reorganize it. I did stitch a lot of Forest Goddess over the weekend but had to frog everything I did and then some. I found a big mistake in it and there was no way to fudge it, without shortening her by about 10 rows.

I did work on my ornament some yesterday. Still not done but still plugging along on it. I also worked on the RR piece, not quite done, almost though. I hope to finish it today...That is if my headache goes away. I woke up with it and it's just continued to throb as the day has progressed. I may just rest for awhile this afternoon while the boys are in school. I don't have to have the RR done until the 18th when we have another GTG and do our exchanges then. I think the GTG is going to be at my house this time and we are going to use the time to finish some ornaments. I will have 3 done plus the two I stitched for the boys late last year so that will be fun to get them done and ready for Christmas.

Tonight is lodge night which means DH may or may not be home after work. If he gets out of there early enough he'll be home for an hour or so. If not then he'll head straight to lodge. Ever since his brother joined the nights are getting later and later. Most of the time he'd be home by 10, now it's more like 11:30-midnight but he's the one that's got to get up and go to work the next day. Tomorrow is Hockey practice, Thursday is the weekly meeting he has with his boss so it will be another night he won't be home until at least 8pm, and then hockey again on Saturday. Must be nice to have a life and someone at home to smooth the way for you.....In my next life I want to have a wife of my own!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Saturday night was Hockey night. The game started at 10:50something. Most hockey nights are late nights. By the time the game is over, get all the gear off, clean up, get dressed, etc. it's well past midnight. Then they usually grab a beer or two so 1-2AMish is not out of the question.
A couple of weeks ago I stayed up and waited for Billy and it was nice, we had a chance to chat about the game, I got to see him in a good mood, we both went to bed "together" and it didn't seem like that much to do. I mean he's not going to give up hockey so I've tried to adapt some to it...not happily but I tried.
This past Saturday I tried the same thing, but crashed sometime after 3am. After the game there were beers adn after that they went to have an early breakfast. I was mad to say the least. He seems to think that since it's after the kids are in bed, he can go and be out as long as he wants. He doesn't get the fact that he is MARRIED, HAs KIDS, and being out to 4am, on a regular basis, is not acceptable.

We had to get up early and go to the lodge for the breakfast. He asked me if I would go with him and the boys, the boys also asked, so I agreed. I got there and the second we walked in the door I felt invisiable. He was over with his brother, SIL and another person from the team. They were all laughing and joking about what happened the night before etc. I felt completely like a 3rd wheel. It made me so mad that I helped with a little bit of the set up and I told him I didn't feel good so I went home.

I'm so mad and hurt and jealous. Yes, I'm glad he has outside interests and I don't want to be one of those wives who feels like thier husbands can't do anything without them. On the other hand I think I'm a very understanding wife who now feels completely taken advantage of. I'm mad that I don't get to spend that time with him, I don't get to see the fun guy, the excitement he feels when he plays. I feel excluded and I don't even have the option. Who am I going to get to watch the kids from 10pm to 4am? No one, so it's not even fair for him to say that I'm welcome when he knows damn well it's not an option.

And he has zero clue why I"m upset. I don't think he was doing anything wrong per se. I dont' think he was out doing another girl(sorry for the crude term) but he was out, away, gone, from the family, and he has been, A LOT lately(he has been averaging being gone 4 nights out of 7)

It's great the he calls himself Merlin now, joking he is aging backwards, and it's great that he has his friend Scott and his brother to hang out with. They don't have kids, they have wives who can(and do) go to the games, and hang out afterwards. I'm really angry that he gets to let all that fun out and have such a great time with everyone but me. I get the tired, grumpy, husband and I'm the one that has to talk about all the boring/annoying stuff of life. The rest of his circle gets the fun guy, the guy I don't ever get to see and it pisses me off.

I also refuse to talk to him about this again. We've been around and around it about a million times. His point is he's not doing anything wrong, the kids are in bed 90% of the time he's gone so he's going and he's doing it and I just have to accept it.

Friday, March 03, 2006

It's UFO Friday!

Since the PAD SAL was such a success amongst us Michigan area stitchers(and a our few "satellite" members) we have added in a UFO Friday. We can work on the UFO of our choice, it just has to be one you haven't worked on in awhile. This will full fill two purposes for me: An old project will see the light of day and will help me meet my goal of finishing at least two Dragon Dreams Projects that are laying around in various stages of doneness. Today I decided to drag out "Here Be Dragons". I was able to take this class when Jenifer taught it in Toronto in October 2002. I believe I worked on it that weekend but I think it got filed away from there and there it has been. Here is what it looks like before I started stitching this morning:

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"Here Be Dragons" Designed by Jenifer Aikman-Smith, Copyright Dragon Dreams Designs

I'm not sure how much time I will have to work on it today. I need to move all my XS stuff today in preparation for the furnance guy to come tomorrow. He said he may drop the new furnance off sometime today so I want to make sure I have room for it. He said it wasn't going to be a messy job but since my stuff is so portable I figured I would be safe than sorry. It might even give me a chance to sort it again, maybe purge some more stuff, and get it back in some kind of organization.

I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. I'm afraid I may of sounded a bit whiny but I have to say the lady I spoke to first at the CC company was so mean. She used the words lazy, deadbeat and told me she didn't want to hear my sob story, just when I was going to take "responsibility" and pay them. I was really hurt by that because I've been doing all within my means to get them money, monthly, sometimes several times a month. Many people in my situation I don't thin would of been as honest, upfront and straight forward with them(Ok, there is the little phone thing but "technically" the phone is not mine, it's not in my name and honestly they could call me daily and it's not going to change a single darn thing. I have about 30% less money to work and that is not going to change in a couple of days). A lot of people would of stopped paying them long ago, at least I'm making an effort!!

I know that I let 1 person, a phone flunkie at that, who doesn't know me, doesn't know my life, effect the way I felt for almost an *entire* day. That is just unacceptable. When that hit me about 2pm I was really mad, at her but mostly at me for allowing it. I took a couple of deep breaths and let it go. I'll call them on the 17th, hope to make arrangements or let it go to collections. They surely can't talk any worse to me than Citibank has.....

My cold sore is almost gone, thank goodness!! It didn't get nearly as big as I had feared and all my lymph glands have gone back to normal and I'm not plagued with a headache. The weather today is so pretty. The sun is shining so bright, the birds are singing and I swear I can smell spring in the air!!

I'm looking forward to the weekend. It will be quiet mostly, after the furnance that is. DH has hockey practice tonight(ugh), hockey game tomorrow night(double ugh) and then the lodge breakfast on Sunday. After all my big talk earlier about going and not letting my SIL run me off, I'm undecided. I may go for awhile. She usually doesn't show up right away so maybe I'll go, get things set up and then leave before they get there. Or maybe I'll just roll over and go back to sleep. It's been hard getting back into the swing of the school routine and sleeping in sounds so wonderful!!

I've seen this in other blogs so I'm going to do it here. My goals for March are:

Finish model for Misty(2/3 done)
Finish the RR piece for Wendy(at the 1/2 way point)
Finish Feb's ornament(about 3/4 done)
Start and finish March's ornament (I haven't even thought about it, something small)
Make Forest Goddess my focus piece (means she gets at least an hour a days worth of stitching)
Start Lavender Myst by Lesa Steele 3rd week of March for the SAL with the Michigan stitchers (since I finished my PAD and don't have any others ready to go we are altering it to include band samplers. I've had this kitted in my stash for at least 2 years, if not more)
Have more fun, worry less!!(my one and only New Years resolution which I failed miserably at during Feb but I'll get back on track in March)

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I survived another February!!

I don't know what it is about the shortest month of the year but it's always a hard one for me. I used to blame it on the weather because February is usually a very dreary month in Michigan. This year however we were lucky to have a lot of very bright sunny days so maybe it wasn't the weather. Still I feel glad to have that month behind me and now I can look forward to spring!!

I didn't get all of the things I wanted to accomplish done in the month. I didn't get my ornament finished. I picked an ornament that was a bit too big to do in a month and I didn't devote the amount of time to it I should of it. Still I'm close so maybe in the first week of the month it will be done and in March I'll pick something a little simpler.

Right now I"m working on a model for a friend. I'm making pretty quick progress. It's blackwork, not something I do often and I forgot how quickly it moves when you are only doing outlines and the patterns tend to be symmetrical so you don't have to look at your chart as often. I also finally figured out the pattern and am working on the diagonal so I can go from one motif to the other. Once I figured that out I moved pretty quick from there. I don't think I can post a picture of it but it's cute if you are Irish(or Italian on another piece I will be working on next).

I started Forest Goddess. I really needed to start it. It was calling to me and calling to me and the colors are so lovely so I just had to. I've only devoted less than hour or so a day to it. I usally work on it in there evenings, after the boys are in bed and before DH comes to bed. It's not much so far but I love this color(DMC 3712). It's so cheerful:

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"Forest Goddess" Designed by Nora Corbett, Copyright Mirabilia Designs

I'm doing it on a Natural colored Quaker Cloth. Not only do I think the colors will be lovely on it, I had it in my stash. I was surprised to discover that Natrual was the recommended color, though in a 32 ct linen, instead of my 28ct quaker cloth. On one BB I visit I see so many WIP of this on all these beautiful hand dyed fabrics and I feel like my piece is the ugly stepsister or something. My budget just won't allow such an indulgence right now and in reality I'm not sure if I want the bulk of my XS budget to go to just the fabric. I did one piece on hand dyed fabric but that was only because it was on sale and much cheaper than a linen and also it was very subtle. I don't want to share my picture with them there so I'll keep it here in my blog.

I'm still pondering the bead situation on it. It uses not only regular seed beads but Pebble Beads as well so that is a little more tricky. I'm thinking I'm going to take my finished piece to the bead store when lent is over and just pick from there. Online pictures is just too hard to get a true idea of what they look like.

March is certainly coming in with a bang. We woke to an ice storm this morning. They said it was coming and I heard it rain over night. It took Dh a good 10 minutes to get into the car, it was so iced over. He had an early meeting today so he left extra early just to make sure he didn't have to rush. He also works well north of our house so the weather is often different out there than here. He made it work safe but he said it was dicey in spots.

The street where the bus picks up was a sheet of us and I watched so many people slide through the stop sign. They needed to slow down is what they needed!! It made me glad that I didn't have a car because I certainly did not want to drive in weather like this. When I got home it started to pour, more sleet, and we even had some thunder. IT has since changed over to snow.

I had to make another call to my CC company this morning. I've said it before, but I found Citibank the most difficult people to do with. I've never been made to feel like such a deadbeat in my LIFE. They are so rude and they talk to you in the most condenscending tone. They just make you feel like total crap. It makes no difference to them that I've made a payment EVERY month since DH got laid off. I feel sometimes like I should of just blown them off completely and the result would be the same.

I'm still trying to work out a payment plan with them. I've been getting conflicting opinions from some. My BIL, who filed bankruptcy a couple of years ago, said that maybe outside collections might be a better option. They are more flexible(usually) and they have a tendency to stop a lot of the fees/interest and will often settle for less than the original debt. At this point my debt is almost 50/50 between what I charged and what they have tacked on in fees in the last 9 months. It makes me really angry that if we could of worked out a payment plan in the beginning or if they could of deferred one/two payments I wouldn't be so far behind.

The woman I spoke to this morning was by far the most obnoxious person I've talked to. When I asked to be transferred to someone else she refused and in the end, hung up on me....grr. I got a better person and while I wasn't to work anything out this time, I have to call again after the 15th, when the card cycles again and try then. I think we might be able to work out something and if not then after April 12th it will then go to outside collections. I will then get to see if my BIL is right to or not.

I still sometimes feel like I will never get out from this and that my credit rating is shot forever. They make it so difficult to get back on track once you fall behind. It's such a huge weight on me that it often makes it hard for me to sleep and to eat. DH says I need to worry less but sometimes it's really hard not to. It's slightly better now that I don't have a phone, just my cell phone, which they don't know I have. Having them call me 5X a day would not change the situation one bit...

And if one more person suggests a part time job to me I'll scream. I still have G home in the morning, I don't have a second car, the one car we do have is 48 miles away M-F(sometimes on Saturday) from 7am-6:30pm so what would you like me to do? On top of that jobs aren't exactly growing on trees right now, especially for a SAHM who's been at home nearly 9 years. I two friends, with job histories, degree's even, that are struggling to find a job. With summer coming up child care would eat into any income I could make so if I had a job, my CC wouldn't get any more money and we'd probably be in worse shape. Maybe in the fall when G is in school all day along with Donovan I can try. Maybe Merry Maids, or soemthing with flexiable schedule because I would still have vacations, holidays, snow days, and sick days to contend with. Of course hopefully by then we will be in much better shape. I just have to relax, I made the call, I make the effort every month, and I can't do a thing again until after 3/15 so I have to try to let it go until then....I need to worry less, have more fun!!

The furnance guy is coming on Saturday and I don't know if it's just me or what but every since he was here the other day our furnance sounds so LOUD. It really sounds like it's dying. We've cut our gas usage by 1/2 so I don't know if we could cut it down anymore or save any more money with a more efficent furnance. My real hope is we could keep it a bit warmer during the day, 60 is just chilly sometimes, and not pay more than we are now. It's funny that I'm excited at the thought of keeping my house at 64!! Of course with the new furnance it will probably mean an early spring here in Michigan but that will be ok too!!